anesteziolog40

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:51:06 GMT

Ты умеешь обращаться со словами. Если ты захочешь, то сможешь найти подход к каждому, до любого донести смысл. Именно поэтому ты - лидер. На любой вечеринке ты оказываешься в центре внимания. А в повседневной жизни, твоя изобретательность и творческий подход, не дают тебе скучать. Ты умеешь позаботиться о друзьях, поддержать их и поднять настроение.

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You know who this is for :)

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:27:16 GMT

Green Explosion

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:27:31 GMT

Green Explosion, originally uploaded by odessit40.

I am a violent person :)

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 18:09:58 GMT

Good Catch, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Пожар над Гудзоном

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:02:54 GMT

Sky is on fire over Hudson, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Personal Silhouette

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:53:10 GMT

Personal Sillhouette, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:46:40 GMT

If you are having dreams that you're an Israeli secret agent, should you be worried?

thoughts and venting

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 05:14:06 GMT

It's past midnight...I should be in bed sleeping as I usually waking up at 6am to get to work. But as usual, I can't sleep...too many thoughts are swimming in my head, yet all are with the same premise - "What happened and where did I make a wrong move? Did I make the wrong move or was it b/c that person chose her own path, without any of my doing?"

It's been exactly 2 months since my return from there...but I cannot find peace within in myself. I search for it and I fail. While it may hold me over for a day, I am quick to regress to the miserable state as before. I hear my friends tell me every day to let go, move on, stop lingering over it...and I know I should, and I am truly grateful for all their words of support, but I still can't. I keep replaying what happened in my head, and still lack the comprehension of her actions. Something like this needs a catalyst, and a strong one to push away and sever all ties to a person of a year.

While i know the supposed cause, I still question it...it feels as though it was a premeditated excuse to push me away...but why, why, why is the question I cannot find the answer to. Any further communication only led to more debacles - arguing, misunderstanding and what I sensed to be "disgust." I dont think I ever felt as lonely in my life as I did in these last 2 months. Everything that I've done during this period was a matter of routine to keep me going and to make others around me think/believe that I am okay, that I am moving on, and that I can do it and fine. But how can I be fine...I come home after a day work, which stresses me out, to an empty and silent apartment, which leaves me 2 choices for the evening - go to the gym or eat and sit on front a computer. So I go to the gym, to try to exhaust my body which will force my mind to only think of survining the training. Alas, my thoughts still return to what happened, and they dont escape for a minute. I come home from the gym, tired...and what I want..something to calm me down, to just to speak to somebody...but I no longer have it. So why rush to come home from work and the gym? or I stay home...then I sit in front of the computer...surfing the web, editting photos, and pointlessly answering some girls that hit on me from that cesspool of odnoklassniki. I see her online, and it makes me wonder why doesnt she want to know how I am? or worse, i DONT see her online and wonder who is she with now. And again, why, why, why questions spring up in my mind.

Going on with my friends, laughing, drinking...while it helps me not to be alone, but for me, it feels unreal. So I do it to pass the time, but I feel that beneath the laughter, I still feel alone.

Everything is a mundane routine now...simply just because it has to be done - work, training, even eating, even photos. While I still take pictures and people seem to enjoy them, I think my work improved as me and her egged each other on and we had this compeitiveness with each other, which caused us to elevate the quality of our work. But now, I almost lack the motivation to do this...I think i take photos, edit them simply to just occupy myself with something.

I started to visit my parents more and more often...I guess because I dont feel alone when I am with them, I feel their genuine love for me and I feel more relaxed with them than when I am alone. All this loneliness and stress is causing me to become an emotional wreck. I snap immediately over the littlest and insignificant things and having great difficulties keeping this rage contained inside me. If something doesn't go the way I planned, I feel that I failed. Either I am turning into a control freak or my emotional state is nowhere near where it should be.

Why am I writing this...I cant answer it. Maybe I am venting, since I can't contain all this inside me as I feel it literally eating me up. I feel that I cannot keep fighting from falling into this hole, on whose edge I am walking. I want to walk away from that ledge, i do not want to be staring at the pit, feeling it drain the energy and emotions from me.

Time will heal, I know it will, but I dont want to hit rock bottom before climbing back up. And I am afraid that I will fall all the way and fall hard as I cant even fathom how can you do something like this as being completely cold, non-emotional, and uncaring? Was all this pretend? How can one simply sever everything and not care? And doesnt she even realize how much she hurt me?

The answers will not come...I dont expect them too...that person doesn't understand the reason to give this asnwers, and even if they are given, I doubt that they will be sincere for me to believe.

I guess I am different. I guess my parents brought me up as a naive person who believes in better things...while nobody is a saint, but I dont believe that people should be thrown away like unnecessary things. People ARE PEOPLE...HUMANS, WITH EMOTIONS

but I guess some never learn not to become emotionally involved and some never attach any emotions.

there is no reason for this post...but i wanted to get these thoughts out of my head and onto some form of physical memory as I cannot keep all this in my head.h

Prospect Park Lake

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:20:49 GMT

Prospect Park Lake, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Study in Light _1

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:28:16 GMT

Study in Light _1, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Colorful Happiness

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:39:37 GMT

Colorful Happiness, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Autumn "Depth of Field"

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:19:01 GMT

Autumn Depth of Field, originally uploaded by odessit40.

One of the most beautiful times of the year is here - Autumn
Leaves change color, mood calls for long walks in the park, with your feet immersed in fallen leaves, hearing that soft rustle....trying to reflect on past thoughts,hoping to get a calm and a new perspective on things that can longer be changed.

And as sure as the seasons change, time will heal all.

Typical New York

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:37:06 GMT

Typical New York, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Crystal Rain by Swarovski

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:59:43 GMT

Crystal Rain by Swarovski, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Lady Liberty @ Sunset

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:12:18 GMT

Lady Liberty @ Sunset, originally uploaded by odessit40.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 22:58:53 GMT

Just finished reading Dan Brown's "Lost Symbol" - not impressed. I feel that this writer is using a template for his last 3 books (Angels and Demons, DaVinci Code, and now Lost Symbol). Always some crazy antagonist bent on "revealing the REAL truth" through some conspiracy, always the involvement of very highly placed gov't officials with boundless power, and as usual Robert Langdon's having no clue, but "then it struck him in an instant, clicked inside his mind" realization. And the climax of the every store being short-lived and predictable.

However, this is not to say that the amount of research was not immense and that I cannot not tip my hat to Dan Brown for pouring over such great quantities of data in order to piece together this book. And while I was not thrilled with the plot, I do give kudos to Brown's ability to bring about all the elements of his research into a relatively comprehensive story with interesting insights to our nation's secret, architecture and technologies.

And like one reviewer wrote on Amazon - good book for a transatlantic flight :)

On a more personal note, thinking of maybe going to Washington DC for Columbus' Day - to take in some sights, take some pictures and rejuvenate the memories of almost 17 years ago.